i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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