i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
