I faked an abortion last night.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
