i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
