i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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