Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
