I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
