Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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