I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
