I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
