She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
