i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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