i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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