Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
