whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
