I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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