Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
