It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
