she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
