he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
