the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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