im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
