I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
