i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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