can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
