I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
