When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
