Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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