I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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