Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
