hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
