theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
