i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
