There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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