At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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