just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
