The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
