I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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