I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
