Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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