You really coming over, don't trick.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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