david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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