grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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