I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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