i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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