I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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