I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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