In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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