Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
