i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
