dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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