i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
