I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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