you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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