I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
