Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
