i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
