But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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