Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
