fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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